A Seeker far away from home and family

Eva–A Seeker who steadies herself in an unstable world

Seekers are women who live in a world of frequent change. They live away from their families-of-origin, feeling confined by family expectations. They focus on the present, and search across age groups and cultural communities to find alternatives that strengthen their sense of independence. In these ways, Eva is a Seeker.

Beyond middle-age, she stands slim and tall, and to look at her, she might still be in her thirties. Right now many things are uncertain in her life. Not long ago, she left her job as a community health manager with the small staff of a resource program with the Bosnian immigrant community in the San Francisco Bay area. Familiar with change, Eva finds herself on her own, out of work, uprooted from close ties, reconstructing her life from almost nothing once again.

Eva told me about where she grew up:
“My family was Hungarian. Originally, the city where we lived belonged to Hungary, but after World War I, the border was moved, and this part was given by treaty to Yugoslavia together with all the inhabitants, including about 400,000 Hungarians. Ethnically, we identified ourselves as Hungarians, but nationally, we had been made into Yugoslavs. I grew up with a mixed identity. We spoke Hungarian at home, although the language of Yugoslavia was Serbo-Croatian. I also went to Hungarian schools until my eighteenth year. At University I majored in Hungarian literature and language, but I took a mix of other subjects including Serbo-Croatian.

“The Hungarians and the Yugoslavs were acutely aware of their ethnic differences because of grievances from World War II. Many ethnic killings between the two groups had led to resentment and fear, especially in minority communities like the Hungarians. The first generation after the war, my parent’s generation, isolated themselves in grief. The second generation, my generation, had a different attitude. We wanted to mix with other groups, and to leave our villages and to go into the bigger cities. There we made new friends and dated Yugoslavs. My husband was a Serb.”

These days Eva lives on the second floor, in a one-room apartment. The ceilings are high and the windows are large, making the space light and airy. It is decorated simply with only a few reminders of other places where she has lived. In a book, kept in a drawer, are pictures of Eva as a young child, pictures that show her spirit and rebelliousness. At eighteen months, dressed up in a long dress with a bow in her hair and held in her mother arms, Eva is looking away with a determined stare. Her mother is holding her close, as if she is afraid that Eva will jump out of her arms. Eva said that their relationship was always strained. Even when she was a small child, Eva’s mother tried to clip her wings—or as Eva said, make her wear shoes smaller than her feet. As she grew older her mother tried to contain Eva’s developing body and spirit by dressing her in unattractive clothes that fitted poorly and were particularly unfashionable. As Eva matured into an attractive young woman, her mother’s discomfort with her grew.

Eva told me more about her family life:
“When I think of myself as a child, I was both alone and at the center of a community. Then it was a community of extended family members from my mother’s side of our family. When I was born three families from my mother’s side lived together in one house. Our building was in an industrial part of the city that was large enough for living space and for a mill. This building was the only building left from the family wealth; after the war, the family money and property were lost, and we became poor. There was much deprivation and few supplies. There was no money, and we bought everything with coupons. We had to stand in line to get oil and flour. We had to stand in line to get anything—much of our day was spent in line. The depression of war deeply affected my parents. They seemed to have no joy in life.
We shared everything, but since no other children lived in our household, I was often alone. The larger extended family was separated after World War I, when part of Hungary became part of Yugoslavia. Although we identified ourselves as Hungarians and spoke Hungarian at home, the town we lived in had become part of Yugoslavia. The other four families on my mother’s side of the family had moved to the part of the country that remained in Hungary. I had young cousins in those families, but they lived far away, and I never saw them.”
Eva learned early that political circumstances can disrupt family relationships. The separation within her mother’s family followed from the separation of Hungary from Yugoslavia. These ruptures within the family affected the family members who had remained together in Yugoslavia. Although they continued to live together in one building, they were unable to re-establish a sense of trust in one another, as if anyone might leave at any time. Eva said family members were polite, but never close. She also told me about their isolation from their neighbors.

“Most Hungarians were isolated from their Serbian neighbors, since, as part of an ethnic minority, they were fearful of people of different origins. I didn’t share this view and played outside with children from all ethnic groups whenever I could. Our neighbors next door, who had a little boy my age, were Serbs, and since he became my best friend, I learned Serbian at an early age. As a child I resisted prejudices, and I pushed against any attempts for others to impose barriers around me. All along I had a very difficult relationship with my mother.
Much of this was due to the fact that I was close to my grandmother and she wasn’t.”
Many things led to Eva’s decision to separate from her home and family. As an only child, held too tightly by her mother, she was greatly influenced by her grandmother, who took her traveling at a young age and set an example of independence. While growing up, she saw first-hand the despair of family members who chose to live close to home and who experienced little joy. She grew up at a time when many young people of her generation moved beyond their towns and families. Her choice, to move far away from home and go to university at eighteen, met with strong family opposition.

More to come of Eva’s story. Are you a Seeker? Have you lived far away from home and family? Tell us your story.