Seekers Acknolwedge Regrets and Remain Open

Eva #4
Eva brings to this period of change the openness and curiosity that she had as a young child, playing outside with Serbian children. Like then, she is now drawn beyond the boundaries of what she already knows. She moves forward and at the same time, she acknowledges regrets about decisions that she would have preferred not to have had to make. Eva spoke to me about how hard it was to leave her work with the immigrant Bosnian community. She said:

“I wish that I had not had to leave my job with the Bosnian community here in the Bay area. It has been painful giving up the work that I was doing with the people in that community. I have a friend who has helped me understand what happened there. She has helped me see that the most important part of my job was to support the Bosnian refugees so that they develop their strengths, and to provide only enough information that would enable them to establish themselves in their new community. I realized that when former clients call now, I help them best by encouraging them in taking action on their own. When people call, I explain to them that I am no longer authorized to help them directly. Instead, I encourage them to rely more on themselves.

“Recently, a woman called me and asked me to call Kaiser Hospital for her because she couldn’t understand the woman on the phone, who was speaking too fast. I told her that I understood how hard that must be for her, but I was sure that she would do better if she called the woman back and asked her to speak more slowly.”

Eva believes in her resourcefulness and in the resourcefulness of others. For her, this has often meant letting go of relationships before she wished to do so. She believes that the art of life is knowing when to stop old relationships and when to start new ones. During this time of lost connections, Eva reaches out to the women in a dream group that she has been part of for five years, and by email she reaches out to her world community of old friends and new acquaintances. Like Joan, another Seeker, she expands her capacity to spend time alone through meditation and her new practice of chi gong.

Eva again:
“ I have begun to practice chi gong. A friend told me that she had joined a chi gong group. Since it was nearby, I went to meet the teachers. There are two teachers from Korea. They teach us to meditate, to learn physical and breathing exercises, and to chant together. I reflect on my situation, and separate from my momentary reactions. It has elements similar to Christianity. It is about unconditional love of your neighbor and about detachment from ego.”

Eva thinks about what it means in this culture to be single, fifty-five and out of work. She knows that her age makes it harder to find a good, well-paying job. Everything costs more, so she needs a reasonable salary. Although she has been here for ten years and has a strong resume, she knows that looking for work at age fifty-five isn’t easy. She is willing to consider possibilities that she has never considered before.

“I think about trying to start a business on my own, but it may be too much. I look at all the different experiences that I have had, but it will take time to know if this is the right choice for me. I am working with a project called the Women’s Program. It is a nonprofit agency for low-income women who want to learn how to run their own small businesses. I am learning new skills, hearing the stories of other women, trying to find out what I might do next. I think in three to six months I will see a clearer path.”

Eva, thrown back on her own resources, remains open to what fate might bring to her door. Although sometimes she dreams of having a life partner, she does not have energy now to spare on anyone who isn’t honest and open in a new relationship. Except for occasionally answering a personal ad for fun, Eva puts herself out into the universe by sending resumes, working with the women at the Women’s Program, speaking with friends, and practicing meditation. She just passed her driving test and has her first driver’s license. She is looking to buy a car. She is heading out and letting the universe know that she is ready for whatever is next.