Feminist Granny Stories

Susan wrote:
What a lovely description of a family working together. I, too, am a feminist grannie. My mom both criticized my working and didn't help. "No grandchild of mine should be in day-care". So, I decided to do things very differently. When my daughter and her husband had baby # 1, I offered one day a week. It has become "Tuesdays with Nonna" and now with baby # 2 I have added a second day. They need a Nanny for other days, and have been very thoughtful to find young women who truly enrich the children's lives. I admire their ability to also take time for each other, something ,as a couple’s therapist, I know is so important.

I love these days and when I arrive and hear Jane screech "Nonna", that is true joy. My son-in-law's mom died of ovarian cancer when the first grandchild was three months old. She and I were good friends and I always feel that I am doing this for both of us...she would have been another great feminist grannie. I especially like your description of the shift from elders having the knowledge.

Often my husband (me too but much less often), my daughter’s step-father, makes a dinner for my daughter's family and he even delivers it!...and he is always buying things at the market that he knows they like. The six of us (grandparents, parents and children) went to a CUBS game together yesterday...what a riot to hear my granddaughter belt out "Take me out to the ball game"

Marian wrote:

The idea of the feminist grandmother is interesting. I don't know that I was ever much of a feminist with respect to a sense of my own ability to be right about very many things. The word feminist has, for some reason, suggested to me persons of great self-esteem. . So, I did a little bit of reading about feminism and the word feminist. In the case of the grandmother negotiating with the parents for care of a grandchild to reach the goals of rich and healthy lives, the word feminist suggests an intertwining of maternal love and commitment with issues of social justice.I would say that my first recollection as a grandmother was of being completely in love with that small person and knowing in my heart that I would do everything in my power to never ever let him down. Here is something that I wrote in my journal just after Emerson was born.

02/99, a boy emerges just before the tulips under the mountain.
I hold your face over the poppy's face
Your face orange your eyes filled with poppy
I hold you lightly under the wide sky

My own pattern as care-giver to my grandchildren is such that I feel like I am able to support my daughter Suzanne's future by helping her schedule work and personal time. With Emerson, my other daughter’s son, since he is in school with many options for care away from home, I feel like my support is to be me, showing up one afternoon a week. I am not in the habit of telling my children that I think my ideas are better than theirs. That would be an unpleasant care-giver situation. If I am asked not to give the children, say chocolate, or let them watch television, I can manage that. I have even been able to correct my own behavior when I realize that I am not modeling well. For instance, I buckle-up, which I had hitherto enjoyed seeing as an evil government plot impinging on my personal freedom. If I have a doubt about how to manage behaviors of one kind or another, I always like to discuss it with the parents as soon as possible. Sometimes this can be a more difficult negotiation than the dates and times. I want to be sure that my concern is not heard as a complaint or criticism. I am convinced that by giving unsolicited advice or taking responsibility out of some personal feelings of guilt, I limit my children's freedom to develop their own strengths and self confidence. I enjoy the 'team-work' aspect of working out problems; relationship, scheduling, financial, with my own children.I am willing to give lots of advice to my grandchildren though, and that's part of the fun....you know the best way to keep from getting the sand in your eyes or how the tree trunk is rough and the grass is soft.It's somewhat sad to contemplate the situation of a grandmother who is forced to take care of a grandchild by misfortune at the cost of her own health and well-being.

Calling that scenario to mind gives rise to all manner of unhappy narratives. I'm not sure what the current view of grandmother as caregiver is. When I was growing up, I know that there was a caricature of the grandmother as a permissive spoiler, who kept secrets from your mom and fed you too much candy. My own grandmother took care of the children while my mother and her sister went to work. We all lived in my grandmother's house while the men were away at war. I'm not certain that any of these women thought they had a choice about their roles. My mother-in-law raised one grandchild because the father and mother were not capable, financially or emotionally. Her motives were complicated and probably not connected to feminism as I understand your use of that word.So, thanks for giving me the opportunity to contemplate the idea of being a feminist grandmother. As you describe her she seems a worthy standard and certainly worth researching our evolution.